A Reader's WIP - For Review/Critique
A reader has asked for some assistance with a current WIP - I'm not sure of the genre but will see if I can get details. This is from the opening of the book...the writer specifically wants to know; does this feel like a good beginning (it was originally elsewhere in the story, but seemed to gradually move up to the front), do we get a sense of the characters at all, from this? Or are we confused?
But today was hot and getting hotter. Ruby yawned, legs crossed, and fell backwards into a haphazard pile, braids twisting beneath her. She rested the comic she had been reading open-faced on her round stomach, watching it rise and fall and rise.
“It’s magic today,” Ruby heard, Ma’am yelling from around a couple of
corners. Ruby tilted her head back until she could see that broad
Hawaiian-flowered back, upside-down. She thought about this for a long
moment.
“You think so?” she said, chewing on a braid.
“The Egyptians, them were magic,” said Ma’am, “Look outside.”
It seemed, for a moment, as if she was right—air in anticipation. Ruby
couldn’t tell where the sidewalk ended, merging into the shimmering
heat, into the ripe burning air into the cloudless sky cradling the
teetering tops of New York buildings. She scratched an armpit and crawled
upright again, sinking back into her book.
Two hours.
This was a home for the books, not customers, and most first-timers
were intimidated by the row upon row upon bookshelf upon box, of comics
and posters and dried spearmint candy, and the door that always opened
with a silver crash. Ma’am’s counter was connected by a twinning path to
both the backstairs and the entrance, while bookshelves draped and
canopied the wanderer. The floor was a scuffed wooden affair, barely
visible in the dappled shadows, the light twisting around Wonder Woman’s
slight frame.
Ruby played jungle games here, sometimes, on the slower afternoons.
She took her shoes off first, but always left the jacket on. It was a
gift from her father, maroon red, with a double march of buttons down the
front to mid-thigh, hiding all but a hand-span of dress. Crawling, ears
perked for lions or bears, she would hunt, emerging hours later eyes
ragged, hair wild, claws wicked instead of human paws. Once, Ma’am closed
and forgot her, leaving that wild tigress to curl beneath a swollen
moon, the jungle bed softened, breathing slowed, by dreams of silent
super-men.
“Ruby, honey?” Ruby pulled herself out of the wretched streets of
Gotham.
“Ruby?” Ma’am yelled again.
“…Yeah?”
“Take care of the store, only for a bit, will you please? I’m running
to the attic for lunch.” Ruby nodded, turning back to her comic.
There’d only been two customers since she’d arrived, and she knew Ma’am would
be back there for a while, reading her son’s journals and going through
boxes twenty or so years old-- a one o’clock habit of hers. Ruby
settled deeper within her nest and propped her feet up on the bookshelf
before her.
Labels: WIP for critique

19 Comments:
Addressing the specific questions...I think it flows well and definitely works as a beginning. My only complaint about the character is that I was thrown off on the first read through by the 'round stomach' description..I imediately jumped to the conclusion that she was pregnant. Then shes looking at Ma'am upside down..so then I thought maybe she was youngish and newly pregnant. And well..its a hot day so she's jsut sprawled. Of course then it goes on to describe her escapades playing jungle in the store. So then I corrected my earlier assumption and decided she was a young girl with a childs plump stomach. But then she's asked to mind the store. I'm really not sure how old this person is. And it wouldnt take more than a couple words to clear that up.
Sooo..basically, if we already know this character, then you dont need anything else..this scene works fine. But if you want to use this as an opener, that 'round stomach' description needs to change a lil bit. Other than that, thought mannerisms and dialogue were nice and smooth. It definitely draws you in.
By
Nightfahl, at 9:44 PM
1) I, too, was confused as to the age of Ruby. I kept asking myself how old was Ruby. I was wondering if she was pregnant.
2) Also, I didn't know where the scene was occuring. My first guess came in paragraph 4, Egypt, which I quickly changed to NYC.
3) And I thought Ruby was outside near some buildings, and that she kind of fell onto her butt onto the grass. Like sliding off a chair or bench. (Maybe you should mention what she fell off from?) It wasn't until you started describing the store that I realized my error.
4) I got confused as to how come Ruby's mom had to yell in order to be heard around a couple of corners, but Ruby didn't have to yell. In fact, Ruby is chewing on a braid while she is talking!
5) imo: The way it's structured now, the beginning is slow (too much environment description and, well, "slow stuff"). And unfortunately, it doesn't even ground me to a Time or Place or a Character. (i.e. Because I didn't know it was NYC for a while--and they might be in NJ--and I didn't know that Ruby was a young girl till near the end, and I still don't know if this is the last century, or if they are Chinese...)
Some of the (imo: overly) descriptive phrases that caused me difficulties (i.e. I had to use a lot of energy to interpret them):
- "air in anticipation"
What am I supposed to visualize? And it clashes with the first paragaph which lead me to feel it was a hot lazy-dog-day.
- "This was a home for the books, not customers, and most first-timers were intimidated by the row upon row upon bookshelf upon box, of comics and posters and dried spearmint candy,"
First, I was expecting the store to be filled with books since you said "a home for the books." But I guess it's full of comics and posters and spearmint candy?
I guess that stuff are in rows (row upon row of stuff), and then somehow, these rows are located on bookshelves and in boxes? So if I am in that store and look at a bookshelf, I will see many rows of stuff? And if I look in a box (or should I be looking on the top of the box?), the stuff in the box will be organized in many rows?
Also, are the posters flat or rolled-up? When I'm trying to visualize the store, that is important to me.
- "Ma’am’s counter was connected by a twinning path to both the backstairs and the entrance"
How is a path "twinning"? Is the counter of equal distance from both the backstairs and the entrance? I still don't have a good idea of where the counter is in that store. Usually, it faces the front door, or is close to it.
- "dappled shadows"
I didn't know what I was supposed to imagine. Is this shadows spotted with light? Or dark shadows spotted with lighter gray shadows? Since it's spotted, am I supposed to be imagining that the light is coming in through screen windows?
- "cloudless sky cradling the teetering tops of New York buildings"
At first, I thought: Isn't the cradling upside-down? Then I reread from the beginning real careful and realized she's supposed to be looking completely upside-down.
6) Now, I didn't get pulled into your story until the paragraph, "Ruby played jungle games here . . ."
That's a very nice paragraph. A very nice first sentence. It grabbed me.
(But unfortunately, I would normally have left way earlier.)
imo: Too bad you couldn't somehow lead with that one.
And maybe weave into it the lines from the previous paragraph ("This was a home for the books...").
And then you would have me locked in as a Reader.
By
brer Drager, at 1:14 AM
I mostly agree with the above poster.
I admire the ambition of your writing, and the fact that you're clearly concerned with the sound of the language and its originality. However, I felt you were trying too hard to use fresh (and maybe even poetic) descriptive language, and in the process perhaps you lost sight of the need to ground the reader and let us know what is happening here. I think clarity should be your #1 goal. Some of the phrases were merely confusing. "A silver crash"--what's that? "A scuffed wooden affair"--why "affair"? This is the type of thing I'm talking about.
Also, if this is the very beginning I wouldn't start with the word "but." "But" presupposes a sentence or thought beforehand that is being somehow contradicted.
My advice would be to focus on meaning and content, and leave off the stylistic flourishes until you're certain you've got the reader hooked into the here and now. And then make sure your description really describes, and doesn't just sound good. Hope that helps!
By
Anonymous, at 8:00 AM
I thought the language was beautiful and very polished. To me, it reads like a published novel. (Though I can't quite tell, yet, whether it's YA or not.)
I disagree about starting with "Ruby played jungle games here..." unless you make it a specific occurrence rather than a repeated event. That might give you a more active opening, though, if she's playing when Ma'am (not her mom, right?) calls her to come mind the store. But you'd have to be careful to indicate her age - since she's young enough to "play pretend" but old enough to mind the store.
All right, my mind is obviously not clear today, based on all the "buts" and "thoughs" in my previous paragraph. Better critique later.
By
spaulson, at 8:44 AM
Realized I forgot to answer the questions. In case I don't get back for a while, here are my initial thoughts about them.
Yes, it works as a beginning, perhaps with the adjustment I suggested in my previous post.
I get a good sense of Ruby (except for the age), not so much of Ma'am. But Ruby has pulled me in, so I'd keep reading anyway. I suggest either giving more characterization of Ma'am in the next few paragraphs to half-page, or, since it seems that Ma'am will be going "offstage" right away, adding more of a sense of her in her initial appearance.
I thought Ruby was outside too.
Again, more later (I hope).
By
spaulson, at 8:51 AM
I can't get past the opening word, actually. I love many of the details and descriptions but I really had to work to get past "But..." as an intro.
Agree with above posters regarding being a little more clear in allowing us to 'see' the shop and Ruby. But I like the overall feel of Ruby, especially.
More later...
By
Daphne Major, at 9:28 AM
I got the young girl part, but I too thought the setting was outside. And while I liked the poetic language (and the flashback to the jungle scene) I'd rather have gotten grounded in the who and when and where before settling down for some pretty words.
How about opening with the "magic day" line, getting into some dialogue, watching these characters interact right off the bat?
The description of the bookstore has some good details, but every sentence uses a "was" constuction, passive in most cases, which weakens it overall.
If I had to sum up, stay in this scene until we get a better sense of these characters through dialogue, save the flashback story until the bookstore has been described and the story has gotten underway, devote more time to decribing the bookstore so that we're clear on it as the setting.
S'about it. Lots of lush language here, ripe for savoring. Just integrate it more smoothly into the story.
Nice work.
By
Tina, at 9:39 AM
You guys are awesome.
Tina: agree with your thoughts to move the flashback/descriptions later, after the characters are grounded.
I've been struggling a lot with balancing the language with the actual story--setting, dialogue, action, etc. (as BadIsMe and ya'll pointed out) and being as close as I am to my own writing, it's hard to tell if it's comprehensible to the reader. This helped bunches.
Thanks!
h
By
Anonymous, at 10:52 AM
I'm being picky here, 'cause I think this has potential and the author obviously knows a thing or two about words.
I think it is not a good beginning. In the end, I've barely got a sense of the girl except she reads and daydreams. What is she thinking and feeling now? You've given much more voice to the physical world (and not to good effect, in my opinion) than to either character.
It is not particularly well written, in my humble opinion. The inaptness of the metaphors drove me to distraction. The sentence and paragraph structures are confusing. The world as described seems to defy physics.
How can she chew on braids that are twisted beneath her?
I can't imagine a round stomach on a child not suffering from starvation. It is jarring imagery.
I can't imagine a human in a "haphazard pile". Expecially if legs are crossed and a comic book is placed upon her stomach. Sounds pretty calculated to me, not at all "haphazard".
I am troubled by the series "rise and fall and rise". Does it continue that way, with two rises to each fall? That could account for the round stomach, and probably growing rounder.
If Ma'am is around two corners, how can Ruby see her?
Ruby thought a long time about Ma'am's upside down back, but that's the last we hear about it. Huh?
The description of the store comes out of nowhere and interrupts the flow. You should get to that earlier or later, and separate it from the "air in anticipation" and "two hours," which seem to indicate something is about to happen. I immediately began wondering what two hours had to to with the layout of the store.
It only seemed "for a moment" as if she was right? So Ruby didn't really believe her other than that brief collapse into credulity?
Was Ruby experiencing a heat mirage that extended to the top of New Yawk City's skyscrapers? Could she see the building tops from her indoor prone position?
"Crawled upright"? Huh? Did she crawl into a standing position?
Whose armpit did she scratch? Or was it a metaphor? (sorry, I'm being snarky)
The store sounds very ordinary (other than its odd lighting issues), so I am surprise it intimidated people.
Light doesn't twist around things, a least not so the naked eye can tell.
How can Ruby see the sidewalk from her prone position indoors?
How can the lack of light make the floor almost invisible while the girl can read and see people's flowered backs?
It is bothersome to hear a child imagining herself as an animal that has claws instead of "human paws". Paws are like claws in that humans have neither.
I think you should rein in your language. Use metaphor sparingly and sensibly. You clearly have a knack for it, but use it for good in this world of evil.
By
Ken Boy, at 10:58 AM
Kenboy, I agree with the general thrust of your comments, but I have to disagree with a few specifics.
Of course a child not starving can have a round stomach! Golly gee, boy, have you never seen a plump kid?
The armpit thing: it's obvious she's scratching her own armpit. That is a bit snarky.
The store intimidating people could be a clue as to where they are, what type of neighborhood, etc. This isn't necessarily a problem: in fact, I found it interesting and it made me want to know more about the setting.
I think a very common problem for emerging writers is the tendency to overwrite. But Kenboy and others are also correct that you clearly have talent and should work on honing your narrative and making your prose leaner.
By
Anonymous, at 12:01 PM
Since we are taking exception to each other's opinions, let me add that I did point out that I was being snarky. I had fallen in love with my prose, and didn't excise that which didn't serve my purpose. I had, in short, overwritten.
But, good golly gosh, the odds were only about one in three that it was her own armpit--it could have been Ma'am's or it could have been a metaphor. You are of course free to make assumptions in this regard.
The round stomach thing bothered me because there is no context, no other sense of this kid's physical dimensions. It still strikes me as a vague description that could mean almost anything, especially in a piece where people don't really have claws, just paws.
Re: intimidation of visitors. Quote: "most first-timers were intimidated by the row upon row upon bookshelf upon box, of comics and posters and dried spearmint candy, and the door that always opened with a silver crash." The author thus indicated with precision why they were intimidated (because of the very ordinary book store), and I'm willing to give him/her credit for accuracy.
I hope this helps everyone to comprehend my opinions. I must go walk now. Adios.
By
Ken Boy, at 4:23 PM
Yeah, you did say you were being snarky, so I guess it was snarky of me to point it out....
Okay, I see your point about the stomach and the store...but I'm hanging tough with the armpit thing!
And, as I said before, I am essentially in agreement with you.
Hope your walk removed your snark. ;)
By
Anonymous, at 4:32 PM
LOL!
The snark survived in different form--I walked with an expert in strawman argumentation. Grrrr.
Yes, yes -- the armpit was certainly her armpit and no one else's! There, I admit it, and I feel better. Yes -- better, I tell you!
But my life, it is so empty now. It gave my life meaning. Without the armpit--so creamy and smelly, like a little bowl of poop sorbet--my life has become a cipher.
Woe. Woe is me.
Now, when's that ice skating on?
By
Ken Boy, at 5:56 PM
Whoa. I don't know whose armpit you're smelling, but I'm really not with you on the "poop sorbet." In a little bowl, no less. Ken boy, I've sniffed a lot of armpits in my long lifetime, and never have I ever...well, you get the drift.
Now enjoy that skating.
By
Anonymous, at 6:43 PM
Did I write "poop sorbet"? I meant "appricot sorbet" naturally.
I never realized how hard it is to come up with a metaphor or simile for an armpit. Well, they say you should steal from the best, so here goes:
My armpit is like a red, red rose that gently blooms in spring.
Armpit, light of my life, fire of my loins.
Damn. I give up.
By
Ken Boy, at 7:48 PM
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
By
brer Drager, at 5:51 AM
Ken Boy -
"Armpit, light of my life, fire of my loins..."
OMG. Major coffee through the nose moment. This is just so wrong on so many levels, lol!
By
Daphne Major, at 11:05 AM
BadIsMe said...
First OT: the critiques here are great. They make good, honest points, interesting to read, examples of good writing. (They should since writers are writing them.)
Second: I also was jarred a bit when I read the "armpit" line. But since I couldn't immediately pin point the reason why, ... But as you (author) now notice, other people also find that line as being "a little rough."
OK, back to the business at hand.
1) The grounding problem. Perhaps zero of more in the following might appeal to you (putting in the age would really help out a reader like me):
old : "But today was hot and getting hotter. Ruby yawned,..."
new: "But today was hot and getting hotter. Twelve-year-old Ruby yawned,... sitting in an oak chair with three and a half good legs... inside her mom's xxx store..."
2) Try not to have purely descriptive paragraphs. They stop the pace of the piece.
Really try not to do it. Especially not in the first couple of paragraphs.
Try to weave info/description in among your action lines.
Paragraph 6 is pure static, passive info about the shop. Weave (some of) the important info from it that you really need at this moment into Para7.
e.g.
"Once when playing, Ruby knocked a rusty wickerbasket, full of rolled-up tourist posters, over the ['scuffed wooden affair'] floor, and damaged the one picturing the Statue of Liberty... her mom, her forehead veins popping faster than... and Ruby didn't get her daily allowance of spearmint flavored rock candy for the rest of the week. And wasn't allowed to read the new Superman delux edition comic book that just came in... Ruby made sure to play in the farthest corner of the shop, the one out of sight from mom's counter near the front door, the corner always fllled with mildew and smelled of mouse droppings..."
3) Try to replace generic description with specific info. (Specifics are good, generalities are weak.) These are opportunities to slide-description-in-past-the-reader.
e.g.
-old: "...pile, braids twisting beneath..."
new: "...pile, black braids twisting beneath..."
If your character is African-American (or Asian), then instead of saying "black braids," you could be more specific by using more ethnic terms (e.g. describe the scrunchies on the braids, the weave of the braid).
-old: "She scratched an armpit..."
new: "She scratched an armpit with chipped lavender nails..."
(I know armpits don't have nails)
4) The paragraphs before Para7 read like an exercise from a writing workshop. They're slow and descriptive. Unfortunately, you haven't yet engaged the reader.
Maybe the stuff in these paragraphs could fit in later, after the reader is involved.
When reading those paragraphs of description, the reader "knows" it's pure description (ugh). There is no major character development occuring, no action, no tension building, etc. That's not a good thing when telling a story.
5) I liked Para7 ("Ruby played jungle games here,...") because now you've started telling a "story." And you're getting me involved with your, I'm assuming, main character (MC).
Para7, inspite of all its warts (e.g. stuffing in of description), was a good paragraph. It got me emotionally favoring your MC (that is good). Ruby wears her favorite (winter) coat when she plays her (favorite) game. Even though it is a hot summer day, even though she is inside, she wears it because her father gave her the coat.
You're pulling on my heart strings. Yeah, that's cheap, but it works.
6) From Para7: "It was a gift from her father, maroon red, with a double march of buttons down the front to mid-thigh, hiding all but a hand-span of dress."
Perhaps you could break up the description and tug at the reader's heartstrings, e.g.
-old: "It was a gift from her father, maroon red, with"
new: "It was the last gift from her father. The wornout ends of its maroon red sleeves halfway up to her elbows, with"
-And later add, "its many patches stitched by a child's hand, often her mother offered, but Ruby...)
And I cry (feel sorry) a little more for your character...
7) The dialog in the first half doesn't do much, except to strength the illusion of a lazy, hot day. Be careful you don't over-do that and chase away the reader.
8) minor, trivial note:
“It’s magic today,” Ruby heard, Ma’am yelling from around a couple of corners."
imo, too much is being crammed into a sentence. A suggestion (and it's an opportunity to squeeze in an info sentence):
“It’s magic today,” Ruby heard Ma’am yell. Her mom was a couple of bookcase corners away, probably in her plastic garden chair, sitting behind the counter and watching the front door of the shop."
Conclusion: It looks like you might have an interesting story here--as hinted at from Para7 to the end. Your last half is much better than the stuff before Para7 because you're starting to tell a story.
imo: I would suggest starting your story with the info with Para7 onward.
When you find yourself describing something purely for the sake of describing it, well, that should set off warning bells cause you're slowing down (stopping) the action.
By
brer Drager, at 4:32 PM
I know this is an old post, but just in case you ever come back here to check, I wanted you to know that I think you have an awesome voice! Yeah, it needs cleaning up and clarifying in places (definitely get rid of "but" as the first word), but don't clean it up so much that you lose that voice. And don't listen to too much advice, because it's never all going to agree. If you try to please everyone, you'll write the life right out of it.
By
Southern Writer, at 11:24 AM
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